Hello everybody and welcome to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! Tonight, our first guest is Rover. Tell me, Rover, what do you do?

Well, I sniff other dogs’ asses for them.

Haha, lookee here, everyone! An ass sniffer! This must be quite a change for you, to be on this show with the chance to win so much money. Let’s all laugh at you. Doesn’t it feel good to laugh? I host this TV show.

[Glowers]

Well, Rover, let’s get started. The first question is: What color is a typical doghouse? A. Red B. Blue C. Green D. Pink

Flashback: Rover is in a doghouse. But, not a nice doghouse, a really rundown doghouse. It is red. Flash Forward.

A. Red. Final answer.

That’s……..absolutely right! Congratulations, Rover.

[Smiles a little]

Ok, next question. What is the slogan for Happy Milk Low-Fat Milk?

Flashback. Rover is playing baseball in the park with his family. All of his brothers and sisters are stronger than he is, but Rover still wants to become a baseball player if only to prove to his brother he is strong. Suddenly, a truck goes by with the words “Happy Milk Goes Down Like Silk.” Rover watches it, puzzled as to why he is looking at the truck instead of playing baseball. Then the truck hits his mother. Flash Forward.

C. Happy Milk Goes Down Like Silk. Final answer.

That…that is…let me see now…Rover…that is absolutely….that is…absolutely….let me…Rover…that is absolutely correct!

[Smiles a little] [Glowers]

Now, the next question. What is your brother’s name?

Flashback. Rover stands in a busy market. Everyone is selling things- fruit, nets, ladles. Rover talks to his brother. “You can’t leave! You can’t leave.” “I’m not going anywhere, Rover.” Rover’s brother trots into a rug stall. It turns out to be the back of a truck, which drives away with Rover’s brother inside. Flash Forward.

Well, Rover? What do you say?

C. Clifford.

Is that your final answer?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Is that your final answer.

Yes.

Ok! Well, let me see now…computer…let’s….let’s just…hmmm [time passes] absolutely correct! This is incredible.

[Laughs incredulously]

Well, Rover, you could be the richest ass sniffer in the world right now!

[Glowers]

For some large amount of money, What is the name of the bar where your brother is ultimately neutered?

Um, actually I spent a lot of time in a submarine before that.

Oh, I’m so sorry, Rover. We’ll come back to that question. For now, the audience wants to know- What is the Russian word for “label”?

Flashback. Rover is on a submarine. Lots of people are shouting in Russian, but fortunately there are text messages translating. Suddenly the submarine is hit. More people yell- this time, they are yelling “Get out of here!” Rover slips through a crack in the ship and begins running- a thumping drum beat pounds in the background. He looks behind him to see angry policemen giving chase, but fish are blocking their way. Suddenly, Rover surfaces. He looks around him and sees no one. Then he sees a blind Russian. “ярлык,” the Russian says. “That’s the word for label.” Then Clifford shoots the Russian. Flash Forward.

A. ярлык. Final answer.

My goodness, Rover, tha-

Flashback. Rover crouches in a hotel room and barks at the moon. He is lonely. Flash Forward.

You have won twenty million-

Flashback. Rover and his brother go to a bar. The bartender doesn’t serve them a drink but instead gives them a huge book of trivia. “Read this whole thing,” he tells Rover. Rover nods. Flash for-

Flashback. Clifford and Rover are running. Clifford, freshly neutered, can no longer have sex, and he regrets some decisions he made earlier. They try to hold hands, but this is awkward because they are running on all four paws. Both of them wish they were very very rich. Flash forward.

Rover you have ten million units of money. What will-

Flash forward. Police interrogate Rover brutally. “Our game shows are designed for people to lose, so when they win they have to have cheated!” they yell. “We torture and electrocute suspected cheaters, as per the actual law of this country.” They torture and electrocute him. Flashback.

Flashback. Closeup. Flash forward. But not too much. Flashback a little more actually. To where he’s on the gameshow.

Rover, you have five million-

Shit, flash forward more….actually just go to the last question. Yeah.

Well, this is it, Rover. The final question of the round. I can safely say that this is the biggest audience we have ever had for this show, and they’ve come to witness the biggest night of your life. So, here is your final question: Is there any real reason you’re a dog in this parody except for the initial pun? A. Yes B. No C. Admittedly, the author could have tried harder to make more dog jokes or something. D. преступление. Man, I see they snuck another Russian word in there. Tough luck, Rover.

Um…I don’t know. I have no idea.

Haha, we’ve heard that before, Rover. And then you did know. So don’t mess around. I’m the host of this show.

I’m just a dog, Sir. I don’t know. But I can guess. I’m going to guess B. No. Final Answer.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

dance dance dance dance dance