Dog Millionaire

Hello everybody and welcome to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! Tonight, our first guest is Rover. Tell me, Rover, what do you do?

Well, I sniff other dogs’ asses for them.

Haha, lookee here, everyone! An ass sniffer! This must be quite a change for you, to be on this show with the chance to win so much money. Let’s all laugh at you. Doesn’t it feel good to laugh? I host this TV show.

[Glowers]

Well, Rover, let’s get started. The first question is: What color is a typical doghouse? A. Red B. Blue C. Green D. Pink

Flashback: Rover is in a doghouse. But, not a nice doghouse, a really rundown doghouse. It is red. Flash Forward.

A. Red. Final answer.

That’s……..absolutely right! Congratulations, Rover.

[Smiles a little]

Ok, next question. What is the slogan for Happy Milk Low-Fat Milk?

Flashback. Rover is playing baseball in the park with his family. All of his brothers and sisters are stronger than he is, but Rover still wants to become a baseball player if only to prove to his brother he is strong. Suddenly, a truck goes by with the words “Happy Milk Goes Down Like Silk.” Rover watches it, puzzled as to why he is looking at the truck instead of playing baseball. Then the truck hits his mother. Flash Forward.

C. Happy Milk Goes Down Like Silk. Final answer.

That…that is…let me see now…Rover…that is absolutely….that is…absolutely….let me…Rover…that is absolutely correct!

[Smiles a little] [Glowers]

Now, the next question. What is your brother’s name?

Flashback. Rover stands in a busy market. Everyone is selling things- fruit, nets, ladles. Rover talks to his brother. “You can’t leave! You can’t leave.” “I’m not going anywhere, Rover.” Rover’s brother trots into a rug stall. It turns out to be the back of a truck, which drives away with Rover’s brother inside. Flash Forward.

Well, Rover? What do you say?

C. Clifford.

Is that your final answer?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Is that your final answer.

Yes.

Ok! Well, let me see now…computer…let’s….let’s just…hmmm [time passes] absolutely correct! This is incredible.

[Laughs incredulously]

Well, Rover, you could be the richest ass sniffer in the world right now!

[Glowers]

For some large amount of money, What is the name of the bar where your brother is ultimately neutered?

Um, actually I spent a lot of time in a submarine before that.

Oh, I’m so sorry, Rover. We’ll come back to that question. For now, the audience wants to know- What is the Russian word for “label”?

Flashback. Rover is on a submarine. Lots of people are shouting in Russian, but fortunately there are text messages translating. Suddenly the submarine is hit. More people yell- this time, they are yelling “Get out of here!” Rover slips through a crack in the ship and begins running- a thumping drum beat pounds in the background. He looks behind him to see angry policemen giving chase, but fish are blocking their way. Suddenly, Rover surfaces. He looks around him and sees no one. Then he sees a blind Russian. “ярлык,” the Russian says. “That’s the word for label.” Then Clifford shoots the Russian. Flash Forward.

A. ярлык. Final answer.

My goodness, Rover, tha-

Flashback. Rover crouches in a hotel room and barks at the moon. He is lonely. Flash Forward.

You have won twenty million-

Flashback. Rover and his brother go to a bar. The bartender doesn’t serve them a drink but instead gives them a huge book of trivia. “Read this whole thing,” he tells Rover. Rover nods. Flash for-

Flashback. Clifford and Rover are running. Clifford, freshly neutered, can no longer have sex, and he regrets some decisions he made earlier. They try to hold hands, but this is awkward because they are running on all four paws. Both of them wish they were very very rich. Flash forward.

Rover you have ten million units of money. What will-

Flash forward. Police interrogate Rover brutally. “Our game shows are designed for people to lose, so when they win they have to have cheated!” they yell. “We torture and electrocute suspected cheaters, as per the actual law of this country.” They torture and electrocute him. Flashback.

Flashback. Closeup. Flash forward. But not too much. Flashback a little more actually. To where he’s on the gameshow.

Rover, you have five million-

Shit, flash forward more….actually just go to the last question. Yeah.

Well, this is it, Rover. The final question of the round. I can safely say that this is the biggest audience we have ever had for this show, and they’ve come to witness the biggest night of your life. So, here is your final question: Is there any real reason you’re a dog in this parody except for the initial pun? A. Yes B. No C. Admittedly, the author could have tried harder to make more dog jokes or something. D. преступление. Man, I see they snuck another Russian word in there. Tough luck, Rover.

Um…I don’t know. I have no idea.

Haha, we’ve heard that before, Rover. And then you did know. So don’t mess around. I’m the host of this show.

I’m just a dog, Sir. I don’t know. But I can guess. I’m going to guess B. No. Final Answer.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

dance dance dance dance dance

Garfield Plus Garfield

In my various wanderings of the internet, I have come across this comic that removes Garfield from the comic strip Garfield in order to create a “funnier” version of the comic.

But the part that didn’t make sense to me was that Garfield is the funniest part of the comic, as evidenced by this strip here! If you leave only Jon, then many of the jokes just don’t make sense.

In fact, it seemed to me that the best way to make the strip funnier was to add MORE Garfield. After all, he’s the funniest character- and more funny characters naturally translate into more funny. So, instead of studying for my econ final tomorrow, I have decided to add Garfield to some strategically chosen strips in order to increase how funny they are. Witness:

HaHA! My, my.

A couple of times, I had trouble figuring out how to execute the joke perfectly, but I’m ultimately satisfied with how the Garfield added not only to the total number of Garfields but also to the theme of the strip:

Sometimes, adding Garfield wasn’t enough to make the strip funnier- I had to bring in other characters from even funnier strips:

Anyways, now, regardless of how I do on my econ test, I have succeeded in appropriating someone else’s brilliant idea of altering the Garfield strip and used it for my own enjoyment.

The Next James Bond Movie

SPOILER ALERT! ALSO FUTURE SPOILER ALERT!

So, I recently went to go see Quantum of Solace with my improv group while we were touring in Boston, and I enjoyed the movie for a couple reasons: I thought the action sequences were great, Craig’s a good actor, and the movie was clearly a prequel to Reservoir Dogs (not just the color names…the bad guys were gathering all of Bolivia’s water in underground pools. Coincidence?)

Working together, my friend Stan Seiden and I figure that the next Bond movie will provide some of the missing links between this series of Bond films and the Tarantino classic. Mr. Greene, of course, died in Quantum of Solace (probably because his name had an extra vowel and the Quantum was planning ahead), but Mr. White is alive and well.

The next movie will illustrate how the Quantum (clearly a reference to Quentin because no one would ever put this word in a movie title otherwise) is more or less completely destroyed by Bond and his lack of gadgets or sexual drive. Perhaps Mr. Pink proposes that the group steals all of the cattle in a small African nation so that the government of that country will have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to get their cattle. This could involve child soldiers, a Real World connection. Whatever the plan, Bond will destroy it despite the fact that every other government agency in the world decides to support Mr. Pink because he will give them oil even if he won’t give them oil (or a tip).

Bond will chase the Quantum using every kind of vehicle possible (hovercraft? zipline? Heelies?) and over every conceivable rooftop. Finally, he will confront the group at their headquarters, a building whose walls are lined with gasoline and dynamite (someone will earlier comment on how unstable those materials seem). Bond will blow up the building and learn how to feel again.

Scattered and broken, the group decides to come together several years later to pull one final heist. However, due to a loss of connections and funds, the Quantum needs to scale down their operations a bit. Instead of targeting the natural resources of an entire country, they decide to rob a bank.

As Reservoir Dogs reveals, they can’t even do that right.