Brief excerpts from “The Lincoln Logs,” an ongoing story that chronicles the day-to-day activities of former president Abraham Lincoln.

January 14, 2009

A small film studio

“Hello, everyone! I’m former president Abraham Lincoln, and I’d like to tell you a little bit about Liberty Mattresses. That’s right- emancipate yourself from back pain and sleep loss with our patented firmasoft core that supports your spinal column while conforming to your preferred resting position. A house divided may have trouble standing, but it can certainly lie down and catch some shuteye on our beautiful new line of queen size beds. And, for a limited time, everything is 50% off! To pass on prices like these, you’d have to be crazier than my wife! So come down and see us in the middle of Culver City or, for those of you further away, be sure to stop by our Gettysburg address. Li-”

“Cut, ok, let’s try that again, this time don’t look down so much. Remember, we want to see your face. Ok, 3, 2, 1…”

Outside of a deli

“Hey! Hey, you’re Abraham Lincoln, aren’t you?”

“Um, well-”

“Yeah! Yeah you’re him!”

“Er- yes, ok I-”

“Say it!”

“Uh…”

“Come on, say it! Say it for my daughter, she wants to hear it.”

“I WANT TO HEAR IT!”

“Look, I usually don’t-”

“Please, just say it! Say it!”

“Fine, ok. Four score and seven years ago.”

“AHAHAHA! Yes! Did you hear that, Laurie?”

“YES I DID MOM I WOULD LIKE SOME ICE CREAM.”

“Well, thank you very much, Mr. Lincoln. It was great to meet you, but it looks like someone needs ice cream. I’m sure you understand about that.”

“Of course. Nice talking to you.”

Later, at a modest villa in Beverly Hills

“What am I doing, Landon? This- look, I just finished filming a commercial for a mattress store! Me, Abraham Lincoln. Mattresses!”

“People need mattresses, Abe. I mean, what else are you gonna do? Sit around the house? Watch Ken Burns for the bajillionth time?”

“I mean, that’s just it, Landon. I feel like I haven’t done ANYTHING in a really long time. I haven’t contributed anything to this country.”

“How can you say that? You were the greatest president America has ever seen.”

“But look at me now. Middle-aged, sitting around this little mansion- I hate this mansion, by the way. I’ve always hated it. It’s so…big and, I don’t know. I feel like I have no connection to anything or anyone. I need to DO something. Anything.”

“Why don’t you drink this beer?”

“Well…ok. For now. But I am discontent.”

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about your personality.”

“I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ boobies.”

“Take a good look my dear. It’s an historic moment you can tell your grandchildren about – how you watched everyone’s panties fall one night. “

“As God is my witness, as God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me! I’m going to live through this, and when it’s all over, I- WOOO! YEAH! HEY GUYS, LOOK AT THESE!!! I JUST WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN!!! WOOOOO!”

to the Yankees.

I almost got recruited by ITT Tech.

But I didn’t.

Don’t Mess With Texas

UNLESS YOU’RE T-REXES!

Smokey the Bear told me so.

If trees piss me off I won’t use it.

would hold a little deuce coup d’état.

It’s called “You’re a Failure and Will Never Amount to Anything” by my father.

: (

Smillimeters because there is a millimeter between each S.